Helpful Holiday Hints

So today, whilst waiting for my car to be lubed, oiled, and filtered (and shoed--the last original tire was shot), I was subjected to daytime TV. A strange show called Dr. Oz was running a segment on How Not To Poison Your Holiday Guests. His hints were helpful: don't feed guests raw eggs, avoid cross-contamination, etc. However, I feel he left out some salient points.

1. Lead crystal should be clear, not opaque, gray, and easily melted if left by the stove. (If you're serving chilled heavy water alongside the wine, feel free to ignore this advice.)
2. Broccoli and rice casserole is good. Broccoli and ricin casserole is good if you're Jim Jones.
3. Green dye or not, arsenic is not a good all-natural candy additive.
4. Just because it smells like almonds doesn't make it marzipan.
5. Though grenades are colloquially referred to as "potatoes" in some regions, turning them into latkes is not recommended.
6. Though they both belong to the Fungi kingdom, Aspergillus is not a suitable substitute for yeast. Similarly, death cap mushrooms may be attractive, but their culinary uses are limited.
7. Italian Cooking with Cesare Borgia should probably remain on the shelf.
8. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to share a meal made with the Yersinia pestis Yogurt Kit.
9. Wash out the lye before you serve the lutefisk.
10. Despite the charming and artistic effect, silver candy balls should rarely, if ever, be replaced with mercury.

Follow these simple rules, and your guests will be joyful and breathing. Happy Holidays, folks!